This is an episode featuring Tobias Funke!
New Tobias Funke Quotes!!!
John Beard: Alright guys, what we got?
Production Guy #1: It’s quiet out there.
John Beard: We better be ready. (To the makeup guy) I’m a man. Don’t make it look like makeup.
John Beard: Is that guy one of ours?
Standing Cop #4: Look at the license plate.
John Beard: Looks like we got ourselves an ANUSTART!…
Tobias: (calling Maebe) Hey there, it’s Big Daddy. I was trying to call you – before I surprised you! Things are really looking up, and, uh… hello? Damn it! What Sudden Valley does to these cell phones!
John Beard’s: To Entrap a Local Predator - Super Creeps.
Tobias: (Entering the house, singing “It’s just a Fallacy!”, with John Beard hiding in the closet) Is there a little girl here all by herself? Daddy needs to get his rocks off.
John Beard: (Yells in a girls voice from the closet) I’ll be down in a minute – have some lemonade!
(Tobias sits sipping a little bit of something: Mike’s Hard Lemonade.)
John Beard: Pretty good lemonade, huh?
Tobias: It is! Is there alcohol in here? John Beard!
John Beard: Why are you here?
Tobias: I’m here to see my little girl. I wanted to show her Daddy’s Thing. What are you doing here?
Tobias: (To a Hot Sailor) You are soaked to the bone!
Lindsay: It’s time to give up our dreams if they aren’t working. Your acting career… This marriage everyone thinks is a sham because you’re gay…
Tobias: What? I’m sorry. Everyone thinks I’m gay?
Lindsay: Well, I mean, it’s kind of a running joke in the family….. I mean, you know that, right? Because of the misleading way you talk sometimes.
Tobias: Uh, you’re saying the way I talk makes me sound gay? When in the last year have I said even remotely mis…
(Cut to 11 seconds earlier) Tobias: (singing and spinning) It’s just a Fallacy!
…leading. Is this because I want to be an actor and all the leading men in Hollywood are gay?
Lindsay: Well, I don’t think all the leading men in Hollywood are gay…
Tobias: (very gay) Oh honey…
Tobias: (To Gob) Oh, you look I feel.
Tobias: No! I… no.
Tobias: (couldn’t sound more gay) I think you have my suitcase.
Lindsay: Can I just use this one? (The suitcases are exactly identical)
Tobias: Oh, what the heck. I guess having matching luggage isn’t so romantic anymore. And these romantic gestures are possibly why people think I’m a homosexual.
Tobias: Well, it’s time to correct old misconceptions! And that is why I’m making “A New Start”.
Lindsay: A New Start… filled with compassion and love – I like that!
Tobias: Well, I’ve already got the license plate – so go cry in your pie!
(On the plane to Shuturmurg, India)
Tobias: Am I the only one who still dresses to fly?
Tobias: How could they not have Failure to Launch? (movie)
Failure to Launch – Tobias’s Favorite Movie
(At City of Hopelessness Hospital, Shuturmurg, India)
Tobias: I’ve broken my skull in a third place, on this elephant guy statue.
Tobias: For I too find I that I am on a journey, although as we discovered when our MasterCard bill came back it was the same one she took, but mine has confirmed that I should redouble my efforts to achieve the unachievable dream of being an actor, a journey that has left me eager to connect with my true love. Particularly if she finds a way to cover a 2000 rupee City of Hopelessness hospital debt…
Lucille: The trick is going to be getting anyone to believe that her husband is straight enough to have true love as a woman.
Tobias: What are you implying!?
Michael: Oh, I don’t think there was any implying going on at all. Didn’t hear any implying.
Lucille: I wasn’t implying!
Tobias: I’m sorry mother… It’s just that I’ve got a bit of a stick up my bunghole about what I’ve now found is a running joke about me, but lets be honest, (to Michael) for 2000 rupees we’d both go down on Matthew McConaughey, yes Michael?
Narrator: At the time of this family meeting, 2000 rupees was 36 dollars.
Michael: I wouldn’t.
(local realtors office)
Realtor: So, are you ready for a move?
Tobias: As you can see, I’m ready for a lot that’s new.
Tobias car (Volkswagen Cabriolet) license plate reads: ANUSTART
Realtor: Oh, good heavens.
Priest: I believe he (the realtor) died as a warning to live within our means, and be realistic about our lives.
Tobias: Then I should redouble my efforts so that he will have died in vain. Meaning he will have led a pointless life… is what I mean. Yes, carry on.
(At the Garden Grove Methadone Clinic)
Nurse: If everyone’s good, you’ll get your juice.
Tobias: Carl Weathers used to give us grape juice, but then he’d add $5 dollars to our credit card.
Tobias: There we go, now I can see a pretty face under all that butter substitute.
DeBrie Bardeaux: I’ve done a few things I’m not proud of.
Tobias: Episodics? Been there.
Tobias: Can I just improv my way out of a marriage?
DeBrie Bardeaux: Blackout.
Tobias. And scene!
(Tobias rushes her to the emergency room)
Tobias: Oh, my god! She had too much butter!!!
Doctor: Oh, my god - That’s a butter face.
Tobias: Be careful with her face, she’s an actress! We’re both actors!
Tobias: It’s Okay. Some people struggle with addiction. Other people are incapable of ever being nude. Everybody has something.
DeBrie Bardeaux: Maybe I should get a regular job. I do have a law degree.
Tobias: And I’m a doctor, but let’s not settle.
Young man: Are you the smurfs?
Uncle/Neighbor/Father: No, no, no… they’re the ambiguously gay duo.
Tobias: Oh no, I assure you, there’s nothing ambiguous about me. I’m Johnny Storm, the human Flamer, and this is Sue Storm, my sister and fellow fighter-in-law.
Tobias: Well, hello there young man! What brings you to at least 500 feet beyond the entrance of Disneyland?