Lindsay: No, how would you like it? Actually, that’s not a bad idea. I should turn the tables on men and see how they like being objectified. Men with low self-esteem. Get their clothes off.
Tobias: That is a great social statement. I shall get the video camera. This is ripe for parody. This is ripe!
Buster: He just wants to see boys’ Linuses.
Tobias: See, Buster, it wasn’t a loose seal you couldn’t stand up to, it was Lucille. Ooh, I’m getting chills. If this were a Lifetime Moment Of Truth movie, this would be our act break.
Narrator: But it wasn’t.
Tobias: So Anne, the question is, do you want a man or a boy? I know how I would answer.
Narrator: Tobias had recently auditioned for a role as a member of the silent performance trio, the Blue Man Group.
Tobias: And this is “Kids”, from “Bye, Bye, Birdie”.
Narrator: He had yet to hear back from them.
[George Michael is trying to explain to his uncle why he cannot take off a muscle suit]
George Michael: I just can’t take it off. You’ll never understand.
Tobias: …I’ll never understand? That you can never be nude?
Tobias: I’ll understand more than you’ll… never know.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, George-Michael experiences his unhappiest moment ever.
George Michael: Where’s Maebe?
Tobias: She’s in the next cell. Looks like we’re going to be spending the night, cos!
Tobias: Good news, everyone! I recently came into some money, but unfortunately, I cant say how or where my wedding ring is…
George Michael: So, uh, I’ve been thinking about that conversation we were having the other night about, uh, where Maeby came from. And uh, I was just wondering if you could finish that thought.
Tobias: Yes, okay, uh… well, have a seat. Uh… um… when a man… needs to prove to a woman that he’s actua- when a man loves a woman, and he actually wants to make love, uh, to her, something very, very special happens. And with deep, deep concentration and, and great focus, he’s often able to achieve an erec…
George Michael: I’m sorry, I’m going to stop you. I know what you mean. I, I didn’t mean babies in general.
Tobias: Oh, well that’s good. Because it was about to get a little, eh, gross.
Michael: Oh come on!
Tobias: Well, I can’t sleep in the same room as her. If she wants out of this marriage, fine. I’m afraid i’m gonna have to sell the bluth shares and move on.
Michael: You can’t do that…
Tobias: They’re my shares!
Michael: No, I mean you can’t spoon me like that.
[Michael catches George-Michael sneaking hard-boiled eggs to George Sr]
Michael: I think George-Michael is hiding Ann in the attic.
Lindsay: From who, the Nazis?
Michael: No, his girlfriend from me. I just caught him sneaking up to her in the attic and he clearly did so because he thinks I don’t approve. I think I’m gonna invite her to the wake. Why make him hide? Why do to him what… Why do to him what Dad used to do to me?
Lindsay: [sobbing] He was so amazing.
Michael: That was actually an example of how not so amazing he was. You’re really going through something here, huh?
Lindsay: I know. You know, it’s funny-all those years when I pretended to cry… I used to use Dad’s death to get me going. I tried it with Mom’s, but I’d just end up smiling and ruining it. But it feels, like, real. You know? And you haven’t really allowed yourself to grieve much at all, Michael.
Michael: My relationship with Dad was much more-much more complicated than yours. It was predicated a lot on secrets and lies. There wasn’t a lot of trust there.
Tobias: Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. I’m not gonna cry about my pa. I’m gonna buy an airport, put my name on it. Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings? You can keep them bottled up, Michael, but they will come out. Sometimes in the most unexpected-
[opens refrigerator and looks inside]
Tobias: Hey, where the fuck are my hard-boiled eggs?
