Whoa, whoa, whoa! There’s still plenty of meat on that bone. You take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato… Baby, you got a stew goin’!
The fire sale is on and Tobias Funke is working overtime! Now bankrupt, Chrysler has announced that more than 800 car dealers across the country will be closed within just the next few weeks, and each of those dealers are scrambling to move their inventories as quickly as possible.
If we could only see him now…
Tobias: Excuse me, I was just looking for a marker. A magic-marker… leaves room.
Michael: You know Gob, instead of trying to impress a father that couldn’t care less about you, why don’t you try spending some time with your son who is dying to connect with you.
Gob: Hey, he’s the one who can’t see me.
Michael: Why? Because you were too busy hiding in your trick?
Tobias: [acting as Gob] Illusion, Michael. I so very much would like to be in your prostate-ticular… As your look alike! [bows]
Gob: Right, they’re gonna see the ink. It’s more of a leading man role, but it’s not really done that way.
Tobias: Huh, I guess I shouldn’t have used a permanent marker.
Lindsay: No, how would you like it? Actually, that’s not a bad idea. I should turn the tables on men and see how they like being objectified. Men with low self-esteem. Get their clothes off.
Tobias: That is a great social statement. I shall get the video camera. This is ripe for parody. This is ripe!
Buster: He just wants to see boys’ Linuses…
Narrator: Tobias had recently auditioned for a role as a member of the silent performance trio, the Blue Man Group.
Tobias: And this is “Kids”, from “Bye, Bye, Birdie”.
Narrator: He had yet to hear back from them.
Tobias: [playing George Sr. on the TV show Scandalmakers] Perhaps an attic shall I seek…
Narrator: Real shoddy narrating. Just pure crap.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias gets a review of his Shakespeare play.
Tobias: I didn’t get into this business to please sophomore Tracy Schwartzman, so… onward and upward. On…
… [Cut to Tobias crying in the shower] Why, Tracy? Why?
Michael: You don’t want to end up like Uncle Oscar, okay- living off handouts your whole life. Why don’t you come up with a way to make money? A suggestion of something to invest in, or maybe a business idea.
Tobias: Well, I’ve always wanted to remake Annie Hall. Except, I wouldn’t want to get in bed with a green producer like a Sofia Coppola though. Oh, but give me an old pro like a Robert Redford. Oh, I’d jump into bed with him in a second. And I wouldn’t just lie there, Michael Bluth, if that’s what you’re thinking.
Michael: Actually, that time, that was what I was thinking.
[ Tobias is rehearsing his "frightened inmate #2" character ]
Tobias: Say something that will terrify me.
Lindsay: Fuck me.
Tobias: No, that didn’t do it.
Tobias: [reading a script with terrible acting] “I don’t know what you heard about me, but I’m a different kind of cop. I’m from the streets, and I’m the last cop you’ll ever want to mess with in a darkened al – dark alley
[drops the act]
Tobias: Oh, you know, maybe my wife is right. I’m not cut out to be a DeNiro, or a Regis, or a Pinkett-Smith. I shou…
Carl Weathers: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tobias, listen to me. Dreams are worth fighting for. Now, are you gonna be an actor, or are you gonna be a doctor?
Tobias: You’re right, Carl Weathers! I should just march into that restaurant where my wife works and…
Carl Weathers: Whoa, your wife works in a restaurant? Do they get free shift meals or a discount on select menu items?
Tobias Fünke: Uh, I don’t know.
Carl Weathers: Well, let’s find out, man!